When WordPress Attacks! Apologies

Oh my goodness!  What a crazy morning this has been.  And when I received a nice little pick me up, I went to share it.  Then (Cue the Jaws soundtrack) Wordpress when crazy on me this morning and posted and posted and posted some more!  AAACCCCKKK!

I did not mean to blast you with repeated messages this morning!  Please forgive me for of the bombardment.  All the extra posts were deleted, but I can’t retract all the emails that have been sent out.  (Sigh) No good deed goes unpunished!  

Have a great day all!

Little Gift of Guidiance That I Received Today

Little Gift of Guidiance That I Received Today

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Thankful Thursday: Four Years and Four Days

I realize that it has been awhile since I regularly posted here.  August was a weird, emotionally “bouncy” month.  I’ve had to take time to process how I’ve been feeling as well as distract my mind with other topics.

Today’s Thankful Thursday is in remembrance of an important day, and anticipation of a much needed respite.

 

Four Years –

11 years ago today, I married K.  I only was granted four years of marriage to him, but they were four great years.  We both had good jobs and a quaint little home in an 40’s bungalow.  We enjoyed travelling together, and enjoyed exploring wineries and breweries and were just as comfortable dining at dives as well as fine restaurants.  We ate dinner every night in our dining room with the television on in the other room, so we could answer the questions on “Jeopardy!” while we discussed our days.   K was hesitant to have children because of his limited physical abilities and heart condition, but we were still open to adoption if we ever had the resources.  But overall, we were pretty content.

I’ll admit that there are days I long to go back to that time.   Those days were not always perfect, but they were happy ones, even at the end when trips to the ER became an almost bi-weekly event.  I am extremely grateful that had those years with K, and today is special reminder of those years.

Four Days –

The girls are coming!  Yes.  We’ve made it happen – the second annual girls weekend is next week!  The three crazy broads are back!  Last time we got together, I laughed harder than I had in long time.   I really need this weekend to shake off the pressure that has been placed on me by others expectations of me recently. These girls are scattered across the map, so I don’t get to see them as often as I’d like.  So I’m taking advantage of my time with them. Every woman needs time like this with her girls.

 

 

 

When Seeking Prayers for Strength, Avoid the Interweb.

This has been a tough year, and yesterday was no exception.  While I’ve been struggling with giving up my Mommy hopes, there has been a pregnancy that’s been running parallel to my situation.  And yesterday, the baby arrived.  I did not think that I would take it as badly as I did.  But, “Whoop, there it is.”

2012 has been the “Year of Tears” for me.  Especially since my doctor confirmed that, at my age, chances are slim for a healthy natural pregnancy.  “Egg donation, surrogate, or adoption are more viable options,”  said the learned doctor.  And since Hubs and I don’t have the resources of  say a Bill and Guiliana,  I’ve had to try to cope with the loss of that dream while still grieving my two previous pregnancy losses.  This is not something that is easy to “settle into.”  Letting go of a lifelong expectation – a dream of which I THOUGHT was my calling – has been a tough, draining journey.  Not one day has gone by where I haven’t shed tears.

It is a process.  I am all at once trying to renew my faith and find a new purpose while grieving and yearning for what cannot be.  I feel both forsaken and blessed at the same time.  My emotions rotate on axes of  surrender and rage, peace and sorrow, grief and hope.  If you get them all whirling fast enough, you’ll see a blending together that translated into the hot mess that was me after yesterday’s birth announcement.

So last I night I went in search of some sort of comforting prayer to give me strength on the one place I probably shouldn’t: the Internet.  In search results for “prayers for strength, childlessness,” I received a number of results that referred to “the curse of childlessness.”  Really???  A curse is what you call it?  Sure, that’s how it feels sometimes, but think about what that implies!

This is only amplified by a few run ins with equally insensitive messages received from unexpected places recently.  Such as the trip to the Christian bookstore in search of a keepsake gift for the baby in question.  As I searched the shelves, I came across one of those frames for the birth certificate that read, “We prayed for blessing and God gave us you.”   That was enough to send me out of the store in tears.  Then earlier this week, someone posted a baby picture that was met with the comment, “A reward for a life well-lived for Jesus.”   So if I was “this is a sign” kind of woman, all this would have me conclude that the fact my prayers were not answered on the baby front means I have not lived my life well, and therefore I am cursed not to have a child of my own.  Really? Ugh.

Well, I refuse to believe that.  Despite my at times grouchy exterior and my propensity to bitch like there is no tomorrow when really riled up, I’ve always had faith and hope.  I’ve never let any of what has happened to me – including losing my first husband or my babies – shake my belief in the goodness of God.  So when I hear or see things like that I get very upset.  So now, fueled by this fire,  I’m taking matters into my own hands with my own prayer(done my way):

This Childless Woman’s Prayer

Blessed Lord,

I am hurting, and you know why

I’m not asking you to change the situation

Nor am I blaming anyone (and that includes myself)

What?   O.K., you caught me in a lie.  I sometimes do blame myself.  You’re right. I shouldn’t.

I know this is just one of mountains in life that I am destined to climb, but I can’t do it alone.

Thank you so much for what I do have in this life

I apologize for sometimes failing to recognize it.

This is especially true when Skid or Hubs don’t replace the toilet paper rolls or “forget” to hang up towels they’ve used,  and… What?  You’re right.  I digress.

What I mean to say is help me to remember to take joy in my blessings.  As much as I grumble about living with messy boys, I love the stuffing out them.

I know getting rid of this emptiness in my heart is a process.

I ask that you grant me the strength and the patience to get through.

This is especially true when dealing with others who just don’t get it  (You know who I’m talking about, and it includes those who write really stupid things on the Intertubes)

Give me the courage to forgive and love these people just the same.

And thank you for blessing me with the restraint to prevents me from slapping them silly.   That would be bad. Wouldn’t it? Give me a sign if it’s NOT bad.  Nothing? O.K.  Thought not.  Moving on.

I know that deep down, this is all part of what I need to go through in order to be the person you created me to be.

And I pray you give me the wisdom to recognize the opportunities in my path.

But I am going to slip up Lord, because the Mommy dream in a strong one.

It’s hard watching others who are blessed with it and not ache so badly for a child of my own.

I need courage to step away from what I thought should be to be closer to who You need me to be.

I told you before K died, ” I can tell You what I want, but it’s Your will not mine.”

So you know I’m willing.  I just need an assist to know and do what is Your plan for me.

And if that somehow includes someone who calls me Mom, then that’s cool too.  I won’t complain either way.  What?  You’re right.  Who am I kidding? 

Thanks again for all Your blessings.

Amen.