When Seeking Prayers for Strength, Avoid the Interweb.

This has been a tough year, and yesterday was no exception.  While I’ve been struggling with giving up my Mommy hopes, there has been a pregnancy that’s been running parallel to my situation.  And yesterday, the baby arrived.  I did not think that I would take it as badly as I did.  But, “Whoop, there it is.”

2012 has been the “Year of Tears” for me.  Especially since my doctor confirmed that, at my age, chances are slim for a healthy natural pregnancy.  “Egg donation, surrogate, or adoption are more viable options,”  said the learned doctor.  And since Hubs and I don’t have the resources of  say a Bill and Guiliana,  I’ve had to try to cope with the loss of that dream while still grieving my two previous pregnancy losses.  This is not something that is easy to “settle into.”  Letting go of a lifelong expectation – a dream of which I THOUGHT was my calling – has been a tough, draining journey.  Not one day has gone by where I haven’t shed tears.

It is a process.  I am all at once trying to renew my faith and find a new purpose while grieving and yearning for what cannot be.  I feel both forsaken and blessed at the same time.  My emotions rotate on axes of  surrender and rage, peace and sorrow, grief and hope.  If you get them all whirling fast enough, you’ll see a blending together that translated into the hot mess that was me after yesterday’s birth announcement.

So last I night I went in search of some sort of comforting prayer to give me strength on the one place I probably shouldn’t: the Internet.  In search results for “prayers for strength, childlessness,” I received a number of results that referred to “the curse of childlessness.”  Really???  A curse is what you call it?  Sure, that’s how it feels sometimes, but think about what that implies!

This is only amplified by a few run ins with equally insensitive messages received from unexpected places recently.  Such as the trip to the Christian bookstore in search of a keepsake gift for the baby in question.  As I searched the shelves, I came across one of those frames for the birth certificate that read, “We prayed for blessing and God gave us you.”   That was enough to send me out of the store in tears.  Then earlier this week, someone posted a baby picture that was met with the comment, “A reward for a life well-lived for Jesus.”   So if I was “this is a sign” kind of woman, all this would have me conclude that the fact my prayers were not answered on the baby front means I have not lived my life well, and therefore I am cursed not to have a child of my own.  Really? Ugh.

Well, I refuse to believe that.  Despite my at times grouchy exterior and my propensity to bitch like there is no tomorrow when really riled up, I’ve always had faith and hope.  I’ve never let any of what has happened to me – including losing my first husband or my babies – shake my belief in the goodness of God.  So when I hear or see things like that I get very upset.  So now, fueled by this fire,  I’m taking matters into my own hands with my own prayer(done my way):

This Childless Woman’s Prayer

Blessed Lord,

I am hurting, and you know why

I’m not asking you to change the situation

Nor am I blaming anyone (and that includes myself)

What?   O.K., you caught me in a lie.  I sometimes do blame myself.  You’re right. I shouldn’t.

I know this is just one of mountains in life that I am destined to climb, but I can’t do it alone.

Thank you so much for what I do have in this life

I apologize for sometimes failing to recognize it.

This is especially true when Skid or Hubs don’t replace the toilet paper rolls or “forget” to hang up towels they’ve used,  and… What?  You’re right.  I digress.

What I mean to say is help me to remember to take joy in my blessings.  As much as I grumble about living with messy boys, I love the stuffing out them.

I know getting rid of this emptiness in my heart is a process.

I ask that you grant me the strength and the patience to get through.

This is especially true when dealing with others who just don’t get it  (You know who I’m talking about, and it includes those who write really stupid things on the Intertubes)

Give me the courage to forgive and love these people just the same.

And thank you for blessing me with the restraint to prevents me from slapping them silly.   That would be bad. Wouldn’t it? Give me a sign if it’s NOT bad.  Nothing? O.K.  Thought not.  Moving on.

I know that deep down, this is all part of what I need to go through in order to be the person you created me to be.

And I pray you give me the wisdom to recognize the opportunities in my path.

But I am going to slip up Lord, because the Mommy dream in a strong one.

It’s hard watching others who are blessed with it and not ache so badly for a child of my own.

I need courage to step away from what I thought should be to be closer to who You need me to be.

I told you before K died, ” I can tell You what I want, but it’s Your will not mine.”

So you know I’m willing.  I just need an assist to know and do what is Your plan for me.

And if that somehow includes someone who calls me Mom, then that’s cool too.  I won’t complain either way.  What?  You’re right.  Who am I kidding? 

Thanks again for all Your blessings.

Amen.

 

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mali
    Sep 09, 2012 @ 20:29:37

    I’ve been meaning to reply to this for days. I like the sentiments in your prayer. And I particularly like this part of your post:

    “It is a process. I am all at once trying to renew my faith and find a new purpose while grieving and yearning for what cannot be. I feel both forsaken and blessed at the same time.”

    I’d say though, don’t rush into finding a new purpose. Let yourself evolve and change. Because you’re right, it really is a process. Forward, back, ups, downs. Making you who you are.

    Reply

  2. Quasi-Momma
    Sep 10, 2012 @ 09:04:11

    Thanks Mali. I appreciate the comments.

    I just feel strained by my feelings sometimes. I’m doing good, then wham! The yearning and the sadness is suddenly presenting itself in full force.

    I think back at all other other trials I’ve been through and wonder why this one is so difficult. The only thing that makes sense to me is that during the other times, I still had hope. Not to say I am totally without hope. It’s just that “this” hope, “this” dream has been extinguished.

    It’s made me very emotionally unpredictable and to steal a verse from Crosby, Stills and Nash, “It’s getting to the point where I’m no fun anymore.” So, while I know it is a process that cannot be rushed, there is a part me that wants to get it over with already.

    I had a very sweet person come and speak to me last week at church. During the conversation she said, “You always look so sad. It makes me wonder if there’s anyway I can help you.” And briefly explained to her that I was going through a trying period and appreciated the concern. Then I thought, “Great. People are noticing this. I’m the crying lady.” Well, it’s nice to have a reputation anyway!

    Reply

  3. Life Without Baby
    Sep 18, 2012 @ 20:31:00

    I’m so sorry this has been your “Year of Tears” and I’m sorry to hear that you found the opposite of what you were looking for out there.

    As for being no fun any more, I am also hoping that this is a period that will pass and not a new permanent state. I am a very serious person these days and it’s giving me wrinkle. :-s

    Sending a virtual hug your way today. -x-

    Reply

  4. Robin
    Jan 08, 2013 @ 10:54:59

    I hope that 2013 brings you peace and joy because people like you deserve nothing less. I’ll be praying for you. I completely get your words and prayer and have said and prayed similar in recent moments. Remembering you are not alone doesn’t fix everything but it sure helps smooth out the ride a bit.

    Reply

  5. Amel
    Mar 22, 2013 @ 13:23:14

    LOVE your prayer…and I really commend you on leaning on His will. I didn’t surrender to life without kids without a fuss. I was kicking and screaming and angry like hell he he he…

    Anyway, one verse that came up to me a few times in my CNBC journey was this: “For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren and the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!’” – Luke 23:29

    Reply

  6. Jpm2375 (@needsatimeout)
    Jun 02, 2013 @ 08:56:21

    your prayer brought me to tears. (oh ya I am really late in commenting) you are so brave to prayer and be grateful for your blessings. After losing two babies I am so afraid to count my blessings because I am afraid they will be taken from me. You are amazing How do you do it??? I love this blog. Sorry if there are any misspellings my cursor sometimes bounces around while I am typing.

    Reply

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