Life, like really good chocolate, is bittersweet.  I am grateful for what I have including a good hearted husband and a funny and intelligent step kid (referred to in this blog as “Hubs” and “Skid”), a household that values laughter, and a relationship based on love, but life can throw some situations at you that even the strongest of us have a hard time weathering. 

Since the age of 33, motherhood has played a very cruel game of hide-and-seek on me. This childlessness not by choice (CNBC) is causing me to question everything I believe. Having watched my own amazing mother over the years, it seemed unquestionable to me that I too would someday be a wonderful mother just like her. The center of the home, the heart and soul of the family, the nurturer were all things I longed to be.  I learned from the best, right? So why would there be any reason that I wouldn’t someday become a mom too?

Over the past ten years circumstances in my life, including widowhood and pregnancy loss, have seemed to conspire against that innocent assumption and leave me reeling to find meaning in it all.

But wait, what about your skid?  Doesn’t that “make” you a mom?  No.  It makes me a Quasi-Momma.  Like a mom, but not quite one. I have a great deal of the responsibilities, but am greatly lacking in the perks (95% less hugs, kisses, general acknowledgement that I’m in the room or even a human being).  Don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE Skid. So much it hurts.  But other stepmoms might agree that stepmotherhood is not a substitution for motherhood.  They are two different worlds that intersect, but don’t quite mesh.  You have to get used to living life as an outsider and – here comes the dreaded commandment ladies – not take it personally.  Even if you are the most composed women ever, it is a unique challenge and it will make you doubt yourself.  (Have I become the evil stepmom after all?  No ladies you haven’t.  You married a man with kids!  Keep calm and carry on.) Don’t get it?  Listen to this.

In order to make sense of it all, I’m journaling it all.  Good, bad, ugly, ridiculous and the downright insane. I’ll keep the comments about others in my life non-descript to protect the innocent (and the REALLY guilty).  If you’ve ever dealt with any of this, I hope you will join in the conversation.  Let’s cry, laugh, and share. No one is entirely alone.

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jennifer Carter
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 02:26:52

    Ohmyheavens. I just stumbled upon your blog – or rather, was led here – and i’m feeling like you’ve had surveillance in my heart. Thank you for your courage to tell your story. To give it voice. To make me feel less alone. Thank you.


  2. 1nonmom
    Jun 15, 2012 @ 09:05:04

    Amen sister! As a fellow, quasi-mom, step-mom, fur-mom… I can totally relate! It just is not the same. Most people NEVER get that. Thank you for taking the time and having the bravery to share your story and your feelings! Kudos! I look forward to reading more!


  3. second mom
    Mar 13, 2013 @ 23:05:51

    Wow, I feel just like this! It’s nice to see fellow walkers on this path. It’s been hard to come to grips this is my path, but I have also reaped many rewards on the way. Thank you for speaking out.


  4. Patrizia
    Jan 21, 2014 @ 13:48:31

    I read only one entry so far, and I did a double-take and wondered when I actually had time to start a blog and write all this stuff down. In short, thank you. People tell me that the struggles we face are not unique, but it sure feels like it sometimes.


  5. Amy
    Dec 31, 2014 @ 12:47:09

    I just found your blog and I’m in a very similar situation. I’m a stepmom to a 21 year old and a 16 year old and have finally thrown in the towel after 5 years of infertility treatments and no luck in the adoption world (which is another massive battle). It’s so hard to find infertile stepmoms out there. Being a stepmom can be rewarding but it is soooooo hard. Coming to terms with the resentment of not being the mother of your husband’s child is extremely difficult. I’m glad I found you though! It’s nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same issues I am. We are hard to find!


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