This has been a tough year, and yesterday was no exception. While I’ve been struggling with giving up my Mommy hopes, there has been a pregnancy that’s been running parallel to my situation. And yesterday, the baby arrived. I did not think that I would take it as badly as I did. But, “Whoop, there it is.”
2012 has been the “Year of Tears” for me. Especially since my doctor confirmed that, at my age, chances are slim for a healthy natural pregnancy. “Egg donation, surrogate, or adoption are more viable options,” said the learned doctor. And since Hubs and I don’t have the resources of say a Bill and Guiliana, I’ve had to try to cope with the loss of that dream while still grieving my two previous pregnancy losses. This is not something that is easy to “settle into.” Letting go of a lifelong expectation – a dream of which I THOUGHT was my calling – has been a tough, draining journey. Not one day has gone by where I haven’t shed tears.
It is a process. I am all at once trying to renew my faith and find a new purpose while grieving and yearning for what cannot be. I feel both forsaken and blessed at the same time. My emotions rotate on axes of surrender and rage, peace and sorrow, grief and hope. If you get them all whirling fast enough, you’ll see a blending together that translated into the hot mess that was me after yesterday’s birth announcement.
So last I night I went in search of some sort of comforting prayer to give me strength on the one place I probably shouldn’t: the Internet. In search results for “prayers for strength, childlessness,” I received a number of results that referred to “the curse of childlessness.” Really??? A curse is what you call it? Sure, that’s how it feels sometimes, but think about what that implies!
This is only amplified by a few run ins with equally insensitive messages received from unexpected places recently. Such as the trip to the Christian bookstore in search of a keepsake gift for the baby in question. As I searched the shelves, I came across one of those frames for the birth certificate that read, “We prayed for blessing and God gave us you.” That was enough to send me out of the store in tears. Then earlier this week, someone posted a baby picture that was met with the comment, “A reward for a life well-lived for Jesus.” So if I was “this is a sign” kind of woman, all this would have me conclude that the fact my prayers were not answered on the baby front means I have not lived my life well, and therefore I am cursed not to have a child of my own. Really? Ugh.
Well, I refuse to believe that. Despite my at times grouchy exterior and my propensity to bitch like there is no tomorrow when really riled up, I’ve always had faith and hope. I’ve never let any of what has happened to me – including losing my first husband or my babies – shake my belief in the goodness of God. So when I hear or see things like that I get very upset. So now, fueled by this fire, I’m taking matters into my own hands with my own prayer(done my way):
This Childless Woman’s Prayer
I am hurting, and you know why
I’m not asking you to change the situation
Nor am I blaming anyone (and that includes myself)
What? O.K., you caught me in a lie. I sometimes do blame myself. You’re right. I shouldn’t.
I know this is just one of mountains in life that I am destined to climb, but I can’t do it alone.
Thank you so much for what I do have in this life
I apologize for sometimes failing to recognize it.
This is especially true when Skid or Hubs don’t replace the toilet paper rolls or “forget” to hang up towels they’ve used, and… What? You’re right. I digress.
What I mean to say is help me to remember to take joy in my blessings. As much as I grumble about living with messy boys, I love the stuffing out them.
I know getting rid of this emptiness in my heart is a process.
I ask that you grant me the strength and the patience to get through.
This is especially true when dealing with others who just don’t get it (You know who I’m talking about, and it includes those who write really stupid things on the Intertubes)
Give me the courage to forgive and love these people just the same.
And thank you for blessing me with the restraint to prevents me from slapping them silly. That would be bad. Wouldn’t it? Give me a sign if it’s NOT bad. Nothing? O.K. Thought not. Moving on.
I know that deep down, this is all part of what I need to go through in order to be the person you created me to be.
And I pray you give me the wisdom to recognize the opportunities in my path.
But I am going to slip up Lord, because the Mommy dream in a strong one.
It’s hard watching others who are blessed with it and not ache so badly for a child of my own.
I need courage to step away from what I thought should be to be closer to who You need me to be.
I told you before K died, ” I can tell You what I want, but it’s Your will not mine.”
So you know I’m willing. I just need an assist to know and do what is Your plan for me.
And if that somehow includes someone who calls me Mom, then that’s cool too. I won’t complain either way. What? You’re right. Who am I kidding?
Thanks again for all Your blessings.