“Meditate Perfectly”

Over the past few months I’ve been grappling with the possibility that I might never have a child of my own. It’s a harsh reality to face, and I don’t think that a day has gone by without tears.

I might cry in the shower or while I style my hair. I may cry in the car on the way to or coming back from work. If I’m REALLY lucky, my tears will sneak up on me in public, like at work, church or the gym. If I’m EXTREMELY lucky the tears will come to me throughout the day. Some days they are just a small welling; others a full-on bawl. It may not be like clockwork, but the tears are a constant, and often unwelcome, companion.

I cry because I’m grieving my babies. I cry because I’m angry that I haven’t been able to successfully conceive again. I cry because I struggle with the decision on whether I should keep trying. I cry because my dreams have been shattered. I cry because I haven’t found new dreams to take their place.

To be honest, it’s getting exhausting. Pushing it to the back of my mind in order to function takes effort, especially when I can’t go through the day without reminders of others who have succeeded where I have failed. Whether it’s celebrity after celebrity in the media, a friend, a relative, or the exercise instructor at the gym, there’s always something there that forces the topic to the front of my mind.

I’m at the point where I wish I could fast forward through the process and go directly to peace. Do not pass “Go.” Just get me to the end game. Like a gift, the show “30 Rock” tapped into just this fantasy for me when during the story arc of a recent episode, executive powerhouse Jack Donaghy, played perfectly by Alec Baldwin, is pressed for time and without a ground-breaking idea to present his boss with decides to take Liz Lemon’s suggestion to mediate. Being highly efficient and self-possessed, he wills himself into transcendence by ordering himself to “meditate perfectly.” Within minutes, he reaches enlightment and gets the idea that impresses the boss. Bing. Bang. Boom. Simple. Wouldn’t it be great if it were that easy?

Unfortunately, the grief that comes with child loss and childlessness is not so easily overcome. It’s cyclical. Just when you think you’re past it, it greets you elsewhere down the line. A contributor to the WordPress blog, Life Without Baby, explains it beautifully in this post.

So I’ll continue to press on. I know that there are possibilities out there, and a life that I need to fulfill. I’ll do the work. I’ll struggle. Eventually, I’ll get there. But wouldn’t it be nice If we could all just “meditate perfectly” just once?

Watch Jack Acheive Perfect Meditation Through Sheer Will